Rewrite: Faith Bleeds Red
by WishIWasAWitch
Summary: Lily and James didn't see their son, now they will pay the ultimate price. Can they save him? Or will blood stain their hands. Can they be forgiven? Or will green eyes haunt them forever.
1. What Needs To Be Done

He wasn't bad, he knew what bad was and he wasn't bad. He didn't know why his parents thought he was bad: but, than again, he didn't know why his parents didn't hold him or look at him like they did his brother.

He didn't know why anyone didn't look at him, like they looked at his brother.

He needed to know why they thought he was bad -why they didn't love him- because he- he just needed to know. It was like when he was reading one of the many books on the lower shelves in the library (he couldn't reach the top) and he wanted to know why magic worked like it did: Why there were rules.

It was all very confusing.

He didn't want to do it;he couldn't even look at the knife in his hand, but he had to know. He had to fix it. He found out a way to be loved again, to stop being seen as bad although it would hurt a lot.

It was the only thing he could concentrate on and he had tried everything else. Everyday a little mantra would go round in his head "Be good. Be good" but it never worked. He was always…alone.

In a way it had led him here. He was always good at lurking in the shadows and being quite. He has overheard a lot of conversation; some , he didn't understand, after all adults were weird.

Some however, made perfect sense. Like how Daddy explained to his Brother that his Grandparents ,and all of the Potter family, were always watching over us all and knew whatever we did (so he should always be good, because someone is always around) and how when you die you go to them; like Quaffle -his brothers dog who died recently.

He also knew how you died, all you have to do is make yourself bleed form the wrist by cutting yourself. He knew that because his Mommy told his Daddy that's how some women she knew died.

She was very sad then, it was weird because she never cries.

So that's why he was here, in his bedroom that looked the same (although a lot shabbier) when he was one. With cartoon pealing wallpaper and worn out curtains. The cracks in the window let through a draft, and the beaten wood in the room made the room abandoned. A bed that'stood in the middle of the room ;the bad had pale colored sheet covers out of place in a boy's room, but it was the only thing that made the room look lived in.

It was also currently was he was sat on.

He took a deep breath and raised the knife slowly to his left wrist.He cut down hard in the skin and watch in amazement how the blood quickly flowed out ,staining the sheet a dark red. Tears flowed down his pale face as pain flowed through him. He nearly dropped the knife in shock put pulled it together and did the same to his right wrist. He slowly watched his blood pour out and spread across the sheets. It seemed to male a pattern on his bed and he hopes the house elfs that looked after him would be able to get it out.

It hurt so badly though and tears were slowly missing in with the blood on the sheets. His breathing was getting erratic now and panic was seeping in. He was sobbing now asweL,l he couldn't concentrate ,the pain was filling his entire body.

The room was getting Fuzzy now; he slowly closed his eyes, trying to get away from the pain. The last thing he heard was the _thud, thud, thud_ of the blood dripping down onto the shabby carpet below.

_**Thud **_

_**Thud **_

_**Thud**_

**Silence**


	2. Fighting For Life

Plastering the fake smile once more, she closed the door behind them and with a last _"Thank you for coming"_ the last guest had finally gone. Sighing quietly she closed her eyes and slowing turned around not wanting to see the state her home after having twenty guest fill its halls and space. Opening her eyes she winced as nearly everything in her house was messy, but the even breathing of her youngest son sleeping on her sofa quickly put a real smile on her face.

He was her angel;the only thing in her heart, well apart from James of course ,but that was different. She frowned as a memory flickered beneath her eye lids of what could be. Shaking her head to clear the bad thought she crept silently close and brushed the messing hair away from his forehead kissing him on the scar that marked his otherwise clear skin.

To think she nearly lost him, it was unbearable.

"Lily! My god we can't do that again" shouted her husband, interrupting a touching moment with his loud voice.

"James, your son" she answered with a roll of her eyes "he _is_ asleep right now and I _would like_ him to stay that way" she smiled when his eyes immediately lightened up at seeing his son on the sofa. He smiled back and slowly walked closer wrapping his arm around Lily's waist smiling down at his son.

It was the perfect clichéd picture, adoring parents looking down at their child; It would have continued longer too,but a shiver went through her like ice, spreading from the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes and fingers.

She cuddled into James more and watched with a frown at her sons even breathing. It was like that…night. Untangling herself from James she walked the kitchen sink splashing her face with the ice cold water.

What could be wrong?

"Lily?" she jumped as James unexpected voice flouted into the kitchen.

"Is everything alright?" He came into the kitchen and pulled her into him "what's wrong?"

"I don't know" she mumbled into his shoulder the feeling was getting worse.It was like she was being sucked of all of the blood that warmed her body, she was freezing now. James pulled her closer and kissed her temple.

"I think I'll go to bed" she said as pulled away from his touch. He frowned but said nothing as she walked away, and out of the kitchen, not even looking at her sleeping child.

She walked slowly up the stairs fighting off the growing cold in her body. Stopping at the door at the top right, her heart suddenly gave a jolt and the coldness intensified. She walked slowly to the door and the breath left her lungs when she realised who was behind that door.

"Harry" she breathed her hands shivering "oh god" she walked closer to the door feeling panicky although she didn't know why.

**Thud **

**Thud **

**Thud **

The sound reached her ears and it seemed so out of place. She quickly opened up the door and walked inside the dark room wrapping her in her arms as she did so.

"Harry, honey are you in here?" her brain was addled.Thoughts were there barley a heartbeat before they left her brain. Thoughts of why she didn't feel anything, why Harry wasn't at his own birthday party, why her _own child_ was alone in his bedroom.

"Harry" She called louder walking into the room more.A metallic scent was filling her nose and she could taste it at the back of her throut. Still the sound vibrated in her ears.

**Thud **

**Thud **

**Thud **

She looked towards where the sound was coming from. Her eyes adjusted to the light in the room, but still she couldn't see anything.

"Lumos" The room was illuminated the light blinded her for a second before she looked towards the sound of the noise.

Her brain shut down, unable to deal with what she was seeing. Harry was in the middle of the bed led down.He was white, so white, he looked dead.There was blood everywhere, more then could possibly be in a small boys body. It covered the large bed, the floor everywhere, it pooled around him. He looked like some erethral; being ,Vaguely in the back of her mind she heard screaming, continuous screaming, and James's voice telling her to quite, to move,to let go.

There was blood all round her now; in her hair, on her hands, in was burning her skin and still in the background was screaming and the _thud, thud, thud of_ the blood hitting the floor. Harry's face was near her now he looked so- dead. His white skin was going grey and he breath didn't seem to be happening. Her hands were shaking from the cold she still felt. The warm blood on her freezing skin was like hells fire. It was agony and her very thoughts were escaping her grasp.

Silence.

For a second it had stopped. James was talking to her but she couldn't hear she couldn't contemplate.

One word had stopped her in her tracks.

"Mummy" Jay had come into the room; he was standing by the door holding onto the frame his nose was pinched as though he could smell something bad.His eyes squinting as the light forming from her wand pointed to him.

"Mummy is you in here? Daddy"

She looked at Harry's white face, so similar to Jay,and was torn. She wanted to go to Jay and she wanted to stay with Harry. Just as she was about to let go of Harry and move towards Jay, James walked over to Jay and picked him up.

"Jay, go back to bed" he was looking at her as he said this. Suddenly, she realised that Harry was most likely dying in her arms;and she was giving him a cuddle like nothing was happening. Urgency raced through her body warming it up. She picked up Harry cradling him in her arms and and walked to fire in her room opposite. In the back of her mind she heard James and Jay arguing.

"Jason, be silent" she reprimanded he looked at her shocked for she never uses his full name "James take him to Sirius' then go on to St Mongo's"

"I want to stay with- never mind" he broke off and looked away from Harry's still from in her arms " Hurry, okay, just be quick. I love you both" with a pop he was gone.

Everything seemed to be getting in order, but still she was numbed ,her body not letting her fell what she wanted. James face had looked dead of emotion, although it was already red and puffy from crying. She wondered what she looked like.

She stepped into the fire praying that everything would be alright not realising something.

Harry had stopped breathing.

--

He had always been a calm man; even tempered if you will, he didn't like yelling at people or hitting them ,at least not anymore .But for merlins sake if that damn witch didn't tell him where Harry was _he was going to curse her from here to the next life!_

"Look, he's was bought here about an hour ago bleeding form the wrist! I'm his _Dad _okay, so just _tell me where my __**son**__ is!_"

"Mr Potter I can't tell you we –" she sounded bored and that just made him madder.

"That it!" he was about to pull out he wand when Sirius hand stopped him.

"Are you _sure _you can't help us? It would make me very happy" Sirius was smiling at the receptionist and she was falling for his charm hook, line and sinker.

"I mean, he's my godson and I'm _terribly_ worried about him"

"Oh you poor thing" she simpered "Well as you _are_ family then, names?"

"Thanks you so much its Sirius Orion Black and –"

"James Potter" He cut him off mid sentence.

"I'll just check the records" she giggled but staring at the screen the smile dropped from her face "I'm sorry, but he's in the intensive care unit you'll have to wait for a healer to come get you"

He closed his eyes and walked away from the witch. It was as though all of the fight had gone out of him; Harry was in intensive care he didn't even know there was an intensive care! It couldn't have been that bad he just needed a blood replenotioning potion right?

Bile was rising in his throut at the memory of all of the blood. It got everywhere ,on his hands, on his face and even on his precious Lily.

"James" Sirius voice caught his attention and he was taken away from his thoughts

"Yeah"

"What happened?" It was a fair questioned, there hadn't been really any time for explanations at his home. He just rushed in there with Jay in his arms covered in blood. It was like a blur to him now, but it was agreed Sirius would go with him while Remus would stay with Jay.

"It's Harry" he couldn't even get out the rest the would were dying in his throat, forming into a lump that wouldn't let him speak.

"I guessed that, but what happened to him?" There was no smile on his face now, no trace of the old Sirius that flirted with the receptionist. His eyes were boring into him against his will everything was spilling out, from forgetting about him to that very night. Throughout the entire confession Sirius had remained silent, not letting an emotion pass onto his face.

"Sirius, say – say _something!"_

"What do you want me to say?"

"Any –"

"What about how you let your youngest son get hold of a razor?" he cut James off" Or how about how a child, a fucking child! Could know about slitting his wrist? Huh? Or let's try how YOU FORGOT YOU SON! HOW HE WASN'T EVEN AT HIS _OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY!" _His voice had been getting steadily louder throughout the entire speech until he was shouting.

"I –"

"Save it, I don't care you – _your not fit to be a father_" He flinched, but didn't say anything.

"You disgust me, I asked you, --I asked you where he was! do you remember that? I had a present for him and I asked you where he was .You just had to feed me some bullshit didn't you?" He remembered that it was a few minutes into the party; Sirius had asked to give Harry his present in person, instead of putting it on the large table where all the other present were being kept. He has said that Harry was upstairs ill and that he would be down later. But he had forgotten to go find him he had meant to though, doesn't that count for anything? When Sirius got pulled away later by an emergency at work he had just forgot…

"I was going to-"

"Going to what? Cover it up like the coward you are?" he voice was was full of indignation and it was slowly breaking his resolve not to let a tear fall infront of his friend. He didn't understand it, an hour ago he was so happy, Jay was so happy. Now, now he felt like he was drowning he couldn't keep his head above the water. His insides were filled with ice and every breath, every beat of his broken heart was a struggle.

"You're supposed to be my brother" he said it straight into Sirius eyes; watching as they turned darker,like a storm was forming in his eyes,until it's finally it over spilled.

"I AM YOUR BROTHER!" Sirius bellowed The receptionist that had been pretending not to listen to their conversation, turned sharply. Sirius came at him lifting him by the scruff of his robes and smashing his back into the wall.

"That makes Harry my nephew" he was whispering now into James ear "That makes him family and you nearly _LET HIM DIE_!" He shouted the last part and bashed James into the wall again. He let go and took a step back. James Face was wet now he tried to hold back the tears.

"I promised you when he was born I would protect him, protect them both" Sirius voice was getting thick and tears were brimming in his eyes "If I even have to protect him for you and Lily, I will"

"What do you mean?" fear was spreading through him now, and it seemed as though there was nothing to him. He had faced Voldemort but all of that strength all of that fight had left him. He was a bumbling mass of a wizard who couldn't even stand up.

"You don't honestly think that they will let you keep custody do you?" His tone was mocking and one usually reserved for Snape only.

"He's my son –"

"You nearly let him die; he slashed his own fucking wrist James! If he lives, I'm going to fight you and Lily for custody"

"You can't-"

"You named be magical Godfather James, which means I have equal parental rights. You also named in your will that if in the event you and Lily can't look after them I get custody of both boys"

"But-"

"No buts James, I'm going to fight you for custody of Harry, merlins knows what will happened to Jay"

--

Okay, I'm sure this is riddled with mistakes and what not. You see , I need a beta. My problem is no matter how many times I read it through I read what should be there,not what is there.

So please reveiw (that make me write faster...) and help me find a beta that is very very very good at English, unlike me!

Thanks for reading...now reveiw!

Ps-I hope you liked the long chapter! over two thousand words!


	3. A Killing Connection

She had practically run the way from the fire to the emergency point. All the while Harry's blood was spilling everywhere, and she nearly dropped him twice by slipping. It went squelch under her bare feet, and the stench still caught in her throat. Healer's immediately ripped him from her arms and put him on a bed. They then ran him into a room and the end of a long corridor. When she tried to follow, she was kept back; questions began to be thrown at her from all directions.

"I don't know! Just let me go to my son, let go of me!" she was struggling out of the people's arms.

"Madam I'm sorry, but you can't see your son until we stabilize him" Stabilize him? It _can't _be that bad!

"I want to go with him; he's suffering blood loos surly the blood replenishing potion will work?" It had to work, there was so much blood.

"No Madam," she seemed surprised that Lily had some medical knowledge "He needs to be a least eleven before we can give him that" Oh god, she was right! It would kill him now, his body couldn't handle it.

He could bleed out, there was too much blood.

"Well, what can you do?" She demanded of the nurses.

"We will try our best to-"

"Don't give me that bullshit! Just- just – _just leave me alone_!" The nurses slowly moved away; with one last glance at her they went back to their station, whispering amongst themselves their wands out, at the ready.

She didn't know what was happening, it was like she was stuck in a nightmare she couldn't get out of. The white washed walls of the hospital was closing in on her, and she couldn't –_she couldn't breath! _

Her stomach was rolling around, her head felt heavy on her head. The smell of Harry's blood, _Harry's blood _was sticking to the back of her throat. She could taste it in her mouth.

Questions were firing in her brain, but the one that stood out most was _why?_ How did he know to cut his wrist? He was a baby, her baby and...It was all so confusing.

It was all so like when…

Then it hit her, how could she have been so stupid! Why didn't she look around to check neither of the boys was there? It was all her fault. She practically gave him the razor.

She jumped up from her seat; there was someone she had to see. Lily quickly ran out of the hospital, with a pop she appeared in front of a small church with a graveyard.

It hadn't changed at all from the last time she was there; the grass was a slight yellow drying out in the summer sun. The trees that were dotted randomly around the Church still gave the same shade where she used to lounge about as a child. Spinners End could be seen in the back round, and the smell of summer was slowly ebbing away the metallic smell of blood.

Lily walked slowly down the beaten path towards the church, and through the gate that led to the graveyard. She didn't know why she just didn't Apparate into the graveyarde but she just didn't –it didn't feel right.

The graves were all similar, grey slabs that held the name and a small epitaph. It was meaningless to her; and she passes them without a glance, until she came near to the end of a row of graves.

It was four graves all lined up. She knelt down and sat by the first one; letting a small sob escape from her mouth, it was her parents' graves.

_Here lies Daniel Evans and his Wife Rosemary Evans nee Marks _

_May they rest in peace_

The dates revealing they had only had 51 years on Earth. She had loved them; they were her parents after all. Magic however had made a wedge between them, one that hadn't healed before their deaths. Her estrangement from her family was one of her main regrets. They had died before her wedding. and the birth of her sons. A drunk driver had taken them when she had just finished her last year at Hogwarts; James had been her strength back then.

She closed her eyes blocking out the memories that threaten to break her; like cooking with her mum, talking muggle politics with her dad, days spent outside playing with her sister. It was a peaceful childhood one that held a security she hadn't felt since entering the Wizerding World.

The next three graves did break, if only a little bit;

_Here lies Vernon Dursley _

_Brother, Husband and Father _

The next one;

_Here lies Dudley Dursley _

_Much loved Son _

He had only lived for 4 years, dying in the same car crash that killed his Dad. The next and last grave was even worse for Lily.

_Here lies Petunia Dursley _

_Wife and Mother till the end._

She had only lived for another month without her son. Unlike her other family she had chosen to die.

Slitting her wrist, just like Harry.

It was her own fault; she could see that now, when had she gotten so careless that she didn't censor what the children heard? She knew when it was too, when she handed her son the means to kill himself.

She didn't even know why she came here. It only made the pain worse.

She felt hot and cold; numb, and in the greatest pain imaginable.her mind was trying to shut her off, to protect her. Her heart though, her heart was pumping ice with her blood. A slow poison was inking into her soul; destroying her spirit, her _fighting _spirit, everything that made her.

Grief was killing her.

"Lily?" The voice took Lily out of her thoughts. Turning around slowly to face the voice she smiled at who it was.

"Sev"

"What happened? You're, _you're covered in blood_ its, its_ everywhere_" His face was a white sheet, a paler alabaster then usual. His eyes were round and disbelieving. Her smile turned into a smirk, not many people could surprise him.

The smirked was ripped off her face when she remembered whose blood she was covered in.

She felt her face crumple and the tears flowed freely down her face once more.

"Oh," she hiccupped "_Oh sev_"

She tried to stand up but failed halfway there. He caught her, and pulled her close, she could feel his heart beat going _thump, thump, thump._

It reminded her of the thud of Harry's blood hitting the floor and she stated to scream into his black robes.

"Lily what's a matter? Lily? Lily be quite! LILY!" His voice sounded urgent but it was lost. All she could hear was the thud of the blood vibrating in her ears, filling her mind and she screamed once more before regaining control.

Her teeth were chatting, her throat burning from the crying and screaming.

"I don't know what's happening to me" she whispered to him.

"What Happened?" His voice was soft and steady; it comforted her and all at once she spilled what had happened with Harry that night.

She couldn't bring herself to tell him about before that night, knowing he had an unhappy childhood.

He was, in fact most likely visiting his mums' grave he did it every morning.

Now confusion was adding, because she wasn't sure if she came to see him or her family.

"So you think he copied your sister in..." he let his voice trail off.

"Yes" her voice sounded childlike even to her ears.

"Do you know why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did he slit his wrist? It's not something normal, that children do" His voice was impassive and held no compassion.

"I—I don't know" It suddenly hit her. She didn't _know_ why he did it.

"Well, how did you know why your sister died?" It hadn't shocked her that he knew, he knew everything about her.

"A note" She remembered reading it, its why she didn't check for ears. She just cried onto James' shoulder.

"Could-he have left a – note?" Sev's voice was wavering

A memory was rolling behind her eyelids like a film. She saw Harry on the bed and herself rushing forward ,nearly slipping on a piece of paper.

A piece of paper, with writing on it,with a force she pulled herself from his embrace. With a pop she was gone form the graveyard, and appeared in her sons room.

The room stunk and the red blood had turned a dark brown, tainting everything in the room. A second after she had reappeared and retched from the stench. Severus had appeared too, staring blankly at the blood stained room. He went to pull her towards him but she shook him off, instead walked slowly into the room scanning the floor. It was five minutes before she found it. Just before she was about to give up and be sick.

She picked it up using shaking hands and started to read out loud:

_Dear mummy and daddy, and paddy and moony._

_I want to no wat I did rong to make you and paddy and moony hate me, and not luv me like I luv you I am really sory but I cant remamber so i am going to go see my granparents in heavun, cuz they have been watching and they no why I am bad. I am gunna come back and say sorry so you wont hate any more, cuz then you will know I really mean it but i am sorry abowt wat ever it is i did be back soon._

_Love you lots_

_Harry_

Towards the end the tears were once again falling thick. It was all her fault! It was her who had handed him the means, her who had made him think he had done something wrong.

How had it gotten to this? How could some childish instinct, that saying sorry forgave everything lead to this?

It was overpowering her, draining her. The cold that she had been fighting was winning, and she sank blissfully into the darkness that she welcomed. The last thought crossed her mind was; She had killed her son

It was the voices that first woke her from the darkness, sev's baritone filled her ears and she stayed in the darkness, but the headmaster soprano woke her and her eyes flew open.

"Where am I?" she asked taking in the room. It was sparely decorated in black and green colors.

"You're in my private rooms, you passed out about 15 minutes ago. I took you here and called the headmaster" His voice was barley above a whisper "Here drink this, it will make you fell better"

She looked at the vile in her hand and drank it at once praying that it was poison.

It seemed to be something else, because the cold seemed chased away and some feeling seemed to be returning to her.

"What was that?" she asked breathless.

"Blood replenishing potion" replied the Headmaster, although the question was not aimed at him.

"What? It wouldn't have that effect on me" She knew her potions inside out,

"Not usually, no. However these are extraordinary circumstances"

"Such as?" she asked dryly, imitating her long term friend.

"Love m'dear"

Severus snorted in the background; she was startled as she had forgotten his presence.

"Little less Bullshite if you will Headmaster" a week ago she would have been shocked at those words from her lips. Like the headmaster. However this was not a week ago.

"Do you remember that Halloween night?" he asked softly

"How could I forget?"

"What you did not know; is that when Voldemort gave you the choice to live and you did not take it, instead choosing to die for your sons. You invoked old magic"

"I don't understand" The headmaster smiled and stood, he started to pace around the room.

"It created a connection between you and your sons. He forced you out of the way, you did not go freely correct?" She nodded "when the curse hit young Jason it rebounded, your love acted as a shield and Voldemort lost all of his power, your loved saved Jason"

"I already knew this, what does it have to do with Harry?" she demanded

"Everything, the connection stayed after that night. It heightened your Mothers Intuition, so that you knew when to intervene. When the press came around you protecting you boys even though most would happy to make their children stars" He smiled even more broadly.

"I just knew it would be trouble I – I don't know why" Her mind was growing fuzzy again, she once again drank from the vile she was offered.

"You saved them again. The press would have made them into heroes, robbing them of a childhood. You kept them humbled. Even now only a select few know of who saved them all" His eyes were twinkling now as though he was about to reveal some big secret "That night gave you the means to make a choice, your life for theirs."

"Even now?" It was slowly dawning on her what he meant.

"Yes" his voice sounded grave "even now, it gave you feral instinct, and all reason would have been torn away. You ignored Harry for so long, favoring Jason over him because you felt him in danger. However by the looks of your shirt your son should have been dead long before you found him, but he was alive and is alive now. "

"…Because I'm alive right? That's how you know. He's taking my blood isn't he?"

"Yes m'dear . When you felt Harry near death his life overtook Jason's in importance .

Am I right in assuming you haven't thought of other son since last night?"

He was right, how could she have forgotten her other son? He even saw Harry!She winced at the psychological scars that must have left. It then dawned on her, and it was like a puzzle that suddenly clicked. She didn't know what drawn her to the bedroom, she just knew something was wrong. When Jay saw all the blood she wanted to comfort him and save him the pain. She remembered it was like being pulled in two different directions.

Between two son's.

She closed her eyes and fell back against the bed thinking over the new information. She hated it that some enchantment was controlling her, making her choose between her two sons. She was also concerned on how Dumbledor seemed to know everything about her life.

"You can only give so much before it will run out," He continued to speak again "and then you will both die. Your body can't produce the blood needed nor can Harry's, he lost too much"

"If I want to live, I can't take anymore Blood potions can I? I'll overdose of the Nightshade in it." His face looked older than she had ever seen, he stopped moving for the first time in the whole conversation. The lines seemed etched into his face and his blue eyes looked dead.

"Yes, that's right" It was Severus who answered.

She smiled slightly shocking both occupants of the room, and with a small laugh realized that's soon the empty lot by her sisters grave would be filled.

A/N : This chapter was easy to write but now I think I over complicated the plot...reveiw and tell me what you think I need to know!

Second thing: There is no "Boy who lived" neither boys are famous and so no attention would be payed to them, whatever happend. So no-one at the Hospital will care about them. I wanted to be original, so I came up with a different way of why Harry was forgotten. I hope you guys like it!

Third thing: About the conversation between Lily and Dumbledor, if anyone is confused tell me and I will try and explain it better but here the cliff notes:

When Lily chose to stay infront of the boys instead of moving aside she created a connection. Because she was forced to move by Voldemort she stayed alive and so did the boys. The connection made it so Jay lived when the curse hit him (yes Jay is the one who got hit!) and voldemort lost his powers like in canon. The connection and made it so Lily would always be able to feel if the boys were in danger, but she could only focus of one child at once. Jay would always be in danger because of Voldemort so he to precident over Harry, so Harry was ignored (Harry kept to the shadows while Jay to the limelight, thats why everyone else ignored him too)

When Harry slit his wrist the connection kicked in and Lily went to Harry, but to keep him alive her own blood was being given to him (by majic of course,think of it like a blood transfusion) thats the coldness she kept feeling and thats why Harry could loose so much blood and still be alive.

If you still don't get it after this the ask me what you don't get and I will try and explain it to you! :)

Thanks for the time!


	4. A Mistake

Life had a way of throwing the good with the bad. At Hogwarts he had met the four most impotent people to him (or so he thought at the time) that was a good time. Realising that one would grow up and help plot to kill his entire family: bad time. He was a normal human being and so his wedding day and the birth of his sons the most important moments of his life.

That's why it was so surreal to be here; with one son fighting for his life after slitting his wrist, his wife missing, and he couldn't summon the energy to be worried for her or look for her. His best friend who he considered a brother; who was sitting across from him and not even looking at him, Who was telling him he would take his sons away from him. Those cold grey eyes that bore into his soul, taking some of the courage that brought him through the war and now he was alone , and so cold, in this impersonal hell that he has been thrown into.

It was like drowning, and not caring that something you depended on, was now painfully killing you.

He didn't know what to do, and so he resorted to the one thing he never wanted to do: beg

"Please don't take him away from me" even he was surprised at the amount of pathetic that was laced in his voice.

"You nearly killed him" it was stated as a fact, his eyes never rose to meet his.

"I love him; I love him so much that it hurts"

He smirked "Somehow I think he was hurt worst don't you think?"

"What do you expect me to say? There is nothing I can say to make it better." He took a large breath "I'm his father and he belongs with me" He sat forward in the plastic chairs trying to make him understand.

"He has lived with you _his entire life_, in that time he has nearly died _twice_ and that's the only ones that I know of! What if there other times? If you are his _father_ then James why didn't you _protect him_?"

"I don't know" he was crying again now all he could see was Harry cold face so lifeless swimming behind his minds eye.

"You "don't know" well that's a big help because your son IS DYING and you "don't know" throughout the entire conversation he had not raised his face once. Even though his tone raised and fell ,it was detached as though he was talking about the weather and not his godson's life.

"I wish you could _understand_" That however had got his attention and he stood up and faced his friend.

"UNDERSTAND! UNDERSTAND WHAT! _You nearly fucking_ KILLED HIM! How can I let him go back to you? I how can I let you HURT HIM AGAIN!"

"I DON'T KNOW" he raised his tone to match that of his friend standing up as well. "ALRIGHT I MESSED UP! I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT! BUT FOR MERLIN'S SAKE I NEED YOUR HELP"

They were broth breathing hard and waiting for the other to act. The nurses were stood watching them in horror and delight, glad that the usual dull night was being made mildly interesting.

James acted first.

"Move in with us" Of all the thing he could have said his companion was not expecting this.

"Wha—What" It threw him off, and the anger that had cursed through his veins was draining fast. Leaving a fatigue and ache in his bones. He felt 80 years old.

"Move in with us, Lily and I, that way you can keep an eye on us and stay with the boys."

"With you keeping custody I assume"

A pause "Yes"

He sighed and sank slowly into the chair "What can I do James? He's my godson! I promised you I would look after him, and you hurt him so bad how can I justify him staying with you?"

"Give me a chance _please_ you can move in, the house is big enough and we can all be happy" It was his final chance and he knew it, because even he knew, that he wasn't fit to be a father. It seemed to be working because Sirius smiled for the first time that night.

"Huh and what if I want to _entertain_?" It was an old joke one that dated back to their last year at Hogwarts,when they first moved in together. It was their code for the women they would take home (although it was joking in his part as he had Lily) it was a weak joke and old but it had him laughing.

"I'm sure we can work something out!" It was like the world had dropped from his shoulder and the tightness around his chest eased.

However as soon as the release came it tighten again as the storm brewed on Sirius face

"What if he dies?" There was some anger injected into his tone and it made James wince.

"He won't" Of course he couldn't die! He was his child and so small and-and…

"He could, then what?" He wasn't looking at him again and his eyes look so far away underneath his black bangs.

"He won't"

"I'm sorry, but I can't if he dies I'll do whatever I can to keep Jay away from you and make sure that what happened to his brother doesn't happen to him"

He didn't hurt hearing that it was resignation and he knew that whatever he did if Harry died he could never make up for it.

"If Harry dies I will freely give you custody of Him, he will be your son" Shock registered on Sirius face, he went to open his mouth but then closed it slowly. He stood up and walked over to James, but then thought better of it and stood staring at him a meter away.

"If he lives, you move in with us and don't challenge us for custody" Sirius smiled a little and then slowly nodded he moved closer and engulfed James in a hug

"This doesn't change anything James" he whispered in his ear "you hurt that little boy and so I can never call you my brother again. If I move in with you I will watch you like a hawk and you will _wish I was dead_"

He just nodded slowly on his shoulder and wondered how it had come to this.

"Get some sleep" he spoke louder "I'll get some food and Tea"

He slowly sank into the chair and watched Sirius walk away. He welcomed the darkness and dreamed of a better time.

She pretended to be asleep, slowly closing her eyes and evening out her breath. It worked for quickly they both left the room but not before sev has whispered in her ear. She didn't know if she was meant to hear but she wished she didn't

"I love you Lily" It was followed by a small peck on her lips and she had the resist pulling them back. It was one thing she allowed him to do, knowing he wouldn't have the opportunity again. She hoped to God that James would never find out about that kiss.

After she left she raided his stores taking enough of the potion to kill her thrice over. She knew why he had so many potions on hand; the little white scars weren't hidden from her.

She hid the viles carefully in her robes taking extra care so they wouldn't clink against each other. With a flick of her wand a dummy was placed in the bed and she smiled knowing that it would last long enough.

She quickly left after that, sticking to the shadows of the place she once called home. On her way she passed an old spot of her's and James and traced the

"J P 4 L E"

That was carved into the wall. With another flick of her want it now read

"J P LOVES L E P 4EVER N EVER"

She sighed and walked on out of the grounds once again keeping to the shadows the tall statues gave. Once she crossed the gates she was gone.

It was weird walking into the hospital calm seemed to have come all over her and she felt at peace. She turned herself invisible and passed easily through the hospital and to the nurses' station. She waited until the man by the counter was gone, and there was only one nurse on duty.

"Imperio" she whisperd and with her mind she made the nurse call Harry file.

It was Room 317 Ward 81 she laughed silently her body convulsing and she saw the irony. It was a long way to the room she was about to walk to it when she saw James asleep in the chairs in the waiting area. She walked to him instead.

He looked so at peace and once a rush of love and affection for him. She kissed his lips similarly to what Sev had done her, but unlike her he kissed her back. She had to pull away though.

"Lily?" he turned to her his eyes blurrily opening

"Go back to sleep, James I love you forever"

"Mnnn Love you too"

There were so many things she would have liked to do; speak to her sons one last time, give them a kiss goodbye. She was happy at seeing James but so many things to do…

Time was of the essence and she couldn't.

It was a long walk to his ward and so many times she nearly walked back nearly saved herself but she couldn't.

The room was so small. There was a small bed and many machines that were blinking. She thanked god for her medical knollage and slowly walked over the life support, and switched it off. She watched as Harry heart beat slowly went down until his heart wasn't beating anymore.

She had just killed her son.

It her to do this but she knew she had to. It was the only way to break the connection that linked them so closely. It made it only one-way so the healing potion that will kill her (she tried to desperatly not to think about that) will save him. It came at a price though. The pain started to tear across her and it brought her to her knees. Every nerve was on fire and she was forced because of the failing connection,because of love to see everything she made her child suffer.

_She watched as she shut the door in his face and felt his pain as he was ignored. _

_She watched the tears fall from her son's eyes and felt each stab at her heart as they fell. _

_She saw the confusion in his eyes as the bubbly toddler went into a introverted child._

_She watched as the wrist were slowly cut and the crimson blood poured out _

_She watched herself and heard was she really screaming _

"_**Harry- Harry baby come back, come back darling please come back PLEASE!"**_

Ignoring the pain that searing across her she got into the bed and led beside the corpse. Watching as the colour reseeded even more from his body. She then kissed his hair smelling her son and slowly took of the bandages that covered his wrist. Blood poured from them and she quickly muttered a spell that burned the flesh Harry corpse started convulsing on the bed. it stopped soon leaving a prominent scar on each wrist. It pained her to see her baby boys cream skin marked but if she didn't he would just bleed out again, and then there would be no going back.

She muttered another spell and drank all three viles of the potion. Her vision started to go and she lay her head down by her son. Lily saw as the colour started to return to his cheeks and the breath filled his lungs.

She was about to slip into the darkness when green eyes so like her own opened.

"Mummy?" This wasn't supposed to happen he wasn't supposed to see her like this.

"Mummy what a matter" He tried to lift his head and move closer to her, she started to choke, this wasn't supposed o happen! He opened his mouth again but this time he screamed.

"MUMMY IT HURTS" he was gasping for air now, trying to get the oxygen into his body but was failing badly with a last gasp he screamed "MAKE IT STOP" before his body started convulsing even more violently. She didn't want this to happen to didn't want him to be awake when the deadly nightshade in her body went into his and made every cell in his body feel like it was on fire.

It was killing her more than the poison in her blood if her body had the strength she would have cried.

Bile was rising out of his throat and covering both of them in the sticky substance. Blood was trickling out of his nose causing clean sheets to be stained.

Her only comfort was that it would soon be over as her vision was tunnelling in and the only sight she was concentrating on was her son, as gruesome as the sight was she couldn't look at anything else.

Oblivion was waiting, and she soon sank into it an eternal sleep that she would never wake from. Thousands of regrets filled her mind as her body slowly shut down. She breathed her last breath, beat her last heart beat and soon Lily Potter left the world forever.

However she never knew of the worst crime she committed ,never thought of the consequences of dabbling in the magic that was invoked that night.

She never knew that miles away from her vision another boy was screaming and convulsing in pain as poison filled his body too.

She never knew that her other son followed her into that abyss she welcomed, that on that night when she saved the life of her son Harry , she killed the other son Jason.

She never knew she had killed Jason Potter,and that his corpse would be found houres later by a hysterical Remus Lupin.


	5. The Musing's Of A Mut

He didn't know how it come to this, it was like he was suspended in a nightmare one that was so ludicrous you wake up the next day laughing at your strange mind but still the fear would linger. It wasn't a nightmare though, it was real, it was happening.

It was a nice sunny day and at the moment he hated that sun for being so bright for making their skin seem so pale, so lifeless, so dead. He stood by the graveside strong backed and proud looking at nothing listening to the ramble of the priest and hating him as well. How could he know anything? know that she was beautiful and kind and so loving. That he as young as he was could almost out fly him? No, that damn priest new nothing.

He thought he couldn't break anymore when he saw her coffin it was so impersonal nothing like her and as much as he loathed her entire being and wished her every torture possible he still remembers her smile when she looked at James and the way she would insist he stayed for dinner because she knew

, she just knew that he was lonely in that house.

Then, he saw his grave it was so small a quarter the length of his mothers it was a dark wood and you would never know the person that it held

The person that was slowly rotting away decomposing until nothing -

Stop it!

He wouldn't think about that, he wouldn't think about anything he would just shut down it would be easier. He took a deep breath and looked around the graveyard was empty. He wanted it that way no-one but him and Remus ( Who was standing beside him sobbing quietly) was invited not even Harry who was still recovering in the hospital but would be home soon.

Home, the poor bugger didn't even have a home it was such a mess. Harry was the sole beneficiary of the Potter estate after James had-- after James. It wasn't much, two houses and a large amount of gold hardly anything compared his estate. The thing that caused the most problems was his custody he thought it would be simple as he was now an orphan but them being dead caused more problems. Since Lily was officially known as the cause of Jays death her wished her made void in concerns of Harry. James was a suspect and because of that his were also -although temporarily-void. Meaning that he has no claim to Harry and Harry would become a ward of the state.

Over his **dead **body would he let the ministry get their hand's on his godson!

He was forcefully taken out of his thoughts when the coffin were lowered to the ground they were being buried in a wizards graveyard next to James old village. He knew lily would want to be buried next to her family, he took pleasure in denying her that.

"What are you smirking at?" Remus cold voice snapped at him, he hadn't realised that his thoughts were showing on his face

"Lily being tortured in hell" he lied he knew that if Remus found out what he had done he would not approve.

"If that gives you pleasure Padfoot" he sighed and looked older than Sirius had ever seen him "but can you concentrate on the fact that we are at a funeral for Jay as well" Sirius winced at the reminder and looked again at the small coffin. It was like the water in the air was choking him and his brain felt muddled. It was too much pain at one time and the last few months (had it really been that long?) were one disaster after another blow another pain. He didn't know how he was supposed to cope this and for the first time he let the desperation and the despair that was filmy looked away in his brain be released . Like flood gates opening it got everywhere in him making him feel dizzy and the so- so helpless.

He watched as the first pile of dirt was thrown on top of Jay (he wouldn't look at Lily) and all of the hatred that had consumed him since that night and the many pain filled hours after was slowly leaving him replacing fear and helplessness because he didn't know what to do.

He didn't know how he was supposed to help Harry understand when he himself didn't understand he didn't know how he was supposed to raise Harry -he wasn't a father that was James. He didn't know how was going to keep himself from falling to pieces he arms were know wrapped around himself trying to keep the pain away and to be in one piece.

He didn't know when everything got so hard that even breathing when he could felt like a thousand knifes impeding themselves in to his soul. How as it going to get any better? The entire world had been tipped upside down and he couldn't believe anything anymore because believing left him open to be proven wrong again and he couldn't -he wouldn't be that weak again.

He had to be strong to support a little boy who was confused , who kept asking for Mummy and Daddy and Jay. Who screamed awake every night with the horrors of what he saw that night. Who asked in that quite innocent little voice of he could have done to chase them away.

He had to be strong because the alternative was failing him and that wasn't an option.

It would never be an option.

He put him arm around Remus (because he would be strong for him too) and supported him as he sobbed. Together they slowly walked away from the funeral that was over, away from the bodies of the people they considered family.

It was time to move forward and green eyes , haunted their every step.

--

He was dragging his steps he knew this and made no effort to change it in anyway how many times had me made this journey to the headmasters office? Usually accompanied by one of the marauders if not all. He used to love it all, the twinkle in the headmasters eye as he gave them the detention or points. The fury in all of the teachers as they turned the school chaotic.

Now this one trip could change his life forever.

He stood staring at the statue leading to Dumbledores office and wondered how life had become like this. He was only 24 and already he felt like 100 years old -he had seen to much. If anyone asked what his life would be like ten years ago he would of gave a simple answer something involving The unbreakable bond of the marauders (now only two remained) and some girls and motorcycles.

Then there was the war. Simple, he didn't think about the war. It was nameless faces small violent acts, he was Sirius Black! What did he have to be afraid of?

He didn't expect any of this, to be a father at 24 to a broken boy. James, Lily, Peter all dead or as good as. Remus hiding in his shell going to the funiral for a fucking five year old. Was it only a few houres ago that Jay was burried? It seems like a lifetime.

He didn't expect to lose his courage either ;because no matter how much he pretended he was so scared. Scared that when he gets into that room he will be told that Harry will become a ward of the ministry and then he would of failed everyone.

He shook his head trying to get rid of all of his thoughts, trying to shut down.

"Acid pop" he muttered and slowly walked up to the headmaster office. He knocked on the door as he opened it as he always did (Remus once said that if he kept doing that he would walk in on Dumbledore doing something very private -he was quickly hexed for that remark) He walked into the room and sat down in the chairs taking a Lemon sweet and putting it in his mouth.

"Stealing my sweets again Sirius?" Sirius didn't even look round to where the voice was coming from instead he smirked slightly and calmly replied

"Indeed I am, can't have rotting your teeth now can we?" The voice chuckled and a man stepped into the light and sat down opposite Sirius smiling widely. Sirius returned the mans smile for a moment before it was wiped of his face his face turned grave.

"You know why I'm here" Sirius' voice was flat " lets not put it off any longer"

Dumbledore's face reflected Sirius "Sirius -"

"Don't" interrupted Sirius " Just don't I can tell by your face" He got up to go as tears were shooting to his eyes but he wouldn't let them fall he wouldn't let anyone see him cry.

"He's yours"

No that wasn't the response he was expecting

"What?!" Dumbledore smiled widely but his eyes were still troubled.

"He's yours" he repeated "you can take him home from the hospital now all things are in order"

Sirius stared dumfound at Dumbledore he slowly started to smile and stood up straight.

"Oh Merlin um - Thanks, Thank you. He'll be happy to finally get away from there he's already been there two months- nearly three actually now isn't it?" his voice drifted off as he realised he was babbling.

Dumbledore chuckled slightly "Yes I'm sure he'll be happy to get away from there" his smile turned a little cold before returning to warm. Sirius expression changed in a instant from dumbfounded to calculating.

"You don't want to have him do you?" Dumbledor's smile turned into a frown. He sighed deeply before speaking.

"Its not that -"

"You don't think I can cope!" Sirius interrupted angrily. His whole posture changed into a defensive position. Red hot anger was flowing through his veins and he bit back the snarl that was close to escaping.

"No, I don't think you will be able to deal with him"

"How dare you!" Hr began but he was interrupted.

"He is damaged Sirius" Dumbledore spoke softly but his voice could be heard clearly and it echoed around the room.

"He is fine!" Sirius insisted

" Is he? A few months ago he had a father a mother and a brother -he had a family whatever they did to him. Now his mother is dead, dying in a gruesome way before his very eyes." His voice started off slow but it was quickly picking up speed "His father gone killing himself to be with his wife and other son -abandoning Harry, someday he will understand that. His brother taken from him in exchange for his own life! Now tell me Sirius how will you explain that to him? How will you make him understand that he holds no guilt? He is a child that has seen to much! It broke him and don't believe that you -without help can put him back together." Dumbledore took a deep breath and continued on " I don't want to hurt you but you must face facts."

Sirius sat slowly down on the chair all of the anger leaving him.

"Then why did you let me have him?" he asked suddenly

"While at the hospital he has been seeing someone a therapist someone to talk to. They have told me some of the details of their sessions. He's forgetting them Sirius, everyday the bad memories grow -blurrier and he can't remember -he's suppressing them."

"Isn't that bad?"

"Yes and No in Harry's case I believe its for the best. He had nightmares they've stopped now."

"What if he starts to remember them?"

"That will be up to you- you can let them come to him when he's older and can deal with what happened maturely"

"Or?" he interrupted.

"He can take a potion and he will never remember them again, that I don't recommend"

A thousand questions were swirling around in his brain bouncing off one another and confusing him more. He kept silent not wanting to know anymore information. HE slowly nodded at the headmaster and walked to the door he was about to leave when a voice stopped him

"Sirius, I never answered your question, I let you have him because I believe that you alone could give him better memories to combat the bad one's."

Sirius didn't turn around, he carried on walking out of Hogwarts his thoughts conflicted the entire way. This was once his home, he felt safe their but now he felt as though the stone walls were closing in on him constricting his breathing. He tried to think over what the headmaster told him about Harry but one sentence was haunting him.

Now tell me Sirius how will you explain that to him? How will you make him understand that he holds no guilt?

What was he going to say? The truth or lies. What about when he asked about he school days? Does he cut out James and Peter or leave them in. Does he say nothing? Other are surly to mention his parents no-one knows what they did only that a freak accident had killed them all.

How does he protect him from truth? He protect him? It all so confusing and more questions were bouncing around in his head and he couldn't answer a single one of them He didn't know what to do- He thought just being a father would be hard this was even worse! Or was this part of being a father.

Merlin, he couldn't keep his head straight!

With a shock he realised that he had walked out of Hogwarts. He smiled now knowing exactly who could help him and he with a loud pop appeared in his best friends living room.

**This chapter was soo hard to write! Anyway usual plea: REVEIW! and also I NEED A BETA PLEASE IF ANYONE IS OUT THERE WITH GRAMMER SKILLS!! **


	6. What Comes First?

He never could understand why, he wasn't stupid he knew that bad things happen to good people and that good things happen to b

Sometimes when he got down and really thought about life he came to the conclusion that life was shit. It wasn't that he was born into a family that valued his blood more then him. It wasn't that a man who he considered his brother turned out to be something akin to Voldemort in his eyes. It wasn't even because he spent his adolescent fighting a monster and then fighting the system. _In fact _it wasn't that in that past month he lost three very important people and left a fourth in pieces.

No at this point in his life, it was shit because Remus was always fucking right! Not that he would tell him that of course.

"What did you want me to tell you then?" The impatience was clear in his voice "I gave you the truth Padfoot, he will be damaged like he said."

"And you don't think I can cope right?" He laced the words with venom.

"I didn't say that, Just that it will be hard." the impatience was gone now, replaced by weariness. His face also softened and he reached closer to Sirius placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"It hurt us all, and I would love for him to be fine but I can't ignore that _he wont." _Sirius' face also softened and he leaned into his friend resting his head against his shoulder

"what if I damage him more Moony? I love him"

"You won't" he smiled reassuringly " He will be better with you just be -careful- around him" Sirius sighed heavily

"Your right"

"I'm _always_ right" He snorted and got up stretching the yawned looking more like a his dog form then his human one.

"There's other things to consider you know" Sirius face looked puzzled and turned again to look at his friend.

"Like what?"

Remus smiled "Sex"

"No Moony, for the last time I will not have sex with you" He answered with an eye roll

"Haha very funny- No I meant will you be talking random witches back to your flat?"

"Ah"

"Yes- Ah."

"Ummm…" He sighed heavily again " I have to give it up don't I?"

"No just be sensible about it! Go to her house."

"Oh"

Remus rolled his eyes but then looked thoughtful "You would give it up for him wouldn't you?" he asked softly.

Sirius just cocked his head smiled nodded

"There nothing I wouldn't give up for him" Instead of the smile he was expecting Remus frowned

"Don't say anything you can't mean Sirius- Not with Harry." He said softly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at his friend and growled "I do mean it!"

"What if you have your own children! Who will you choose then? You cannot say you will always put everything behind him!"

"Yes I can, I doubt I'll ever have my own children!" His voice was rising now and his face was contorting in anger.

"What if you knock up a witch?" He voice was deadly calm

"I'm not that stupid" He hissed. Remus Sighed and shook his head

"I don't want to fight - I just want you to realise that one day you might have to put another before him." Sirius sighed also and sat down again next to his friend who had never stood during the argument.

"I really do love him Moony"

"I know- but will it be enough?"

Sirius couldn't answer he stood again, nodded to his friend and left the way he came.

He collapsed into his bed after appearing in his room. It was very late in the night having his conversation lasting far longer then he intended. Although he felt better on how he raise Harry there still many things that were bothering him. Firstly what if he wanted to get married? Although now sex was far more impotent then anything else -that could change. What if he met the right one? Or if he never did how would that effect Harry? Having no mother figure. Could he even bring back witch after witch and it not effect Harry? What if Harry started having sex too young would he condemn or give him advice? How young was too young. He liked his lifestyle did he even want to change? How much would having Harry change him? He knew he loved Harry and he wanted to give the best he could to Harry- but what was the best. Where would they live when he came home? His Flat was a two bedroom and very small. He would have to sell it and get a bigger place at least that would be a simple and easy decision . He was going to sell this place soon anyway too many memories haunting it. He had this place since he was seventeen; it was his and James straight from Hogwarts, their bachelor pad. Well for a while at least.

Yes, the flat would have to go.

He curled up closer into his bed letting more thought run through his brain he wanted to be sure he would give up everything for Harry but one thing kept bothering him - He once promised the same thing to James. After all at 24 was he willing to up everything to become a parent? Or was their something he wouldn't be willing to give up? Would Harry always come first?

Soon loud snores filled the bedroom as Sirius settled into a ungraceful sleep, tossing and turning the whole night long.

--

He never could understand why, he wasn't stupid he knew that bad things happen to good people and that good things happen to bad people.

He wasn't stupid.

He just didn't understand why- for him- that it always seemed to go bad, he was happy here and he was being taken away ripped away from here.

He knew that it was a hospital and that he didn't live here and that the nurses and the other residents weren't his family, his family was gone. The hospital was scary sometime too when he awoke in the night after lights were turned out and the wind would rattle the glass in its frame in rhythm to his shaking. Although sometimes there was sadness, mostly it was Happy. He had friends here in the Children's Magical disease ward. Even his daily meetings with Agatha who always creped him out could be bared because Anna the night nurse gave him chocolate before bed.

He didn't want to leave, even to go with Uncle Padfoot. Of course he didn't have a choice he never did.

So it was with tears and silent glaring that he got dressed that Saturday evening getting ready to go home with Padfoot and moony. It wasn't that he didn't like them they were fun, he might even love them.

Still, he wanted to say here.

"Harry?" a voice dragged him from his morose thinking. He looked to the entrance to his room and smiled when he saw Anna the night nurse who just for him had taken an early evening shift.

"You ready Darling?"

"Yes Anna" He sighed and frowned "I'm ready to go" She gave him a smile that held to mich pity for his liking, he did not return it.

"Don't be sad, your godfather loves you very much and will take proper care of you" She said sincere and surprise crossed her face when Harry burst out laughing.

"You're only saying that because you fancy him!" He breathed out between chuckles the reason it was so funny was that Anna was fairly beautiful and Sirius on one of his visit had ask her out only to be shocked that she was already happily married with a small child. Moony had explained this to him when he had too accused Anna of being unable to resist Sirius charms and would fall for him one day. This was met with a glare similar to that he was receiving now.

"Very funny," she smirked a little before relaxing her face "now come along he's waiting" Harry sighed and moved towards the door and past Anna keeping his breathing even and his tears firmly in his eyes not letting one spill over.

"It'll be alright" Anna said softly putting an arm around Harry's shoulder "He does love you and you'll be fine and- I'll miss you"

Harry kept silent not trusting his voice to hold steady or tears to keep at bay. Anna led him round the corner towards the nurse's station where the week's gossips was being told and retold to be better. They didn't glance much at him as he left just a small smile from others and ignored by others.

Sirius was standing there and smiled widely when he saw Harry, he opened his arms wide and crouted down to Harry's level

"Kiddo! Come here" Harry walked into his arms but didn't return the hug nor did he speak a word.

"You alright Kid?" Sirius face looked worried and some of the confidence seemed to deflate out of him he offered Anna a shaky smile who was crying quietly and without warning disappeared in a loud pop taking Harry with him.

As soon as Harry's feet touched the ground he threw himself out of Sirus arms and lcubg to the chair and was breathing heavily.

"Warn me next time you do that!" he panted,

"Sorry, I just thought you'd want to be out of there!" He voice was steady but his grey eyes looked panicked and he had one hand towards Harry frozen while the other stayed by his side. Sirius shook his head and slowly sat down into the chair.

"I'm not doing this right am I?" He beckoned Harry to come over to him and received a distrustful look.

"Doing what?" Harry slowly walked towards Sirius "and how can you do it wrong?"

"Looking after you" Sirius smiled "and you don't feel safe nor happy and so its wrong"

"Your not doing too bad a job" After all, it may not be the hospital but he did love him.

"And you haven't even seen your room yet" He chuckled without real mirth "Look Kiddo, I'm not great at this and I'm sorry for that but I'm trying okay? "

Harry remained silent looking at the pictures on the wall mainly of scribbles and ink blots

"Can I put my pictures up there ?" He asked suddenly startling Sirius and making him crack a true smile.

"Yeah, sure, we can put your pictures everywhere"

"I've got some in my bag" Harry returned Sirius smile shyly.

"Which is in your room, would you like to see it?" Sirius was suddenly jumping up and down excitedly, and offered his hand to Harry who took it silently.

"Its not that big but its only temporary, I'm going to buy a bigger house somewhere I thought you might like to choose" He babbled "only not somewhere too close to muggles because then we have to watch the flying"

He stopped outside a door that was a little down the hallway they just walked down. He pretended to cut the ribbons before opening the door earning a confused glance from Harry.

"Wow" It was all Harry could say, his room at the hospital had been plain and white washed, this was a mass of colours. The walls were red and the carpet was cream. The giant bed had a blue cover and the curtains were the same colour. Harry's stuff had all been layed out carefully with photographs on top of a chest of draws in the corner.

It was perfect.

Sirius came and stood behind his hand on his shoulder smiling silently at the look of sheer shock on Harry's face.

"Thanks"

"Your welcome" He laughed quietly "I'm glad you like it"

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Your doing a good job"


	7. Truth Hurts

Hermione and Ron;

Hermione and Ron;

I hate this room. Actually if it came down to destroying this room and Voldemort , I'd take the room down. It was supposed to be a safe heaven for me, ha!! Right when did I ever have a safe heaven?

It's not a room actually, it's a prison and I fucking hate it. I'm labouring the point aren't I? Well, once again just so you understand_, I hate this room. _

It's not even vulgar or grotesque. It shows all the things I should be, who I pretend to be, but it's never shows any of me. There's no stamp of Harry James Potter, even with my meagre belonging it's not me. Just Sirius attempts of showing me more, that I can never will be the godson he wants. Too much like my mother, I guess.

Fuck, when did that become an insult?

Oh yeah. When I found out she let me slit my wrist (yeah those scars that came from an "accident" when I was young? Turns out they're self inflicted) and that in trying to save me, she killed herself, my twin brother (yes, I have a twin brother too! You don't keep up do you?) And drove my father to kill himself Lovely women right?

Oh yeah, those nightmares I kept having of a sea of blood and my a women calling my name while spewing blood? Turns out they're True Repressed Memories. Yeah just keeps getting better and better right?

So in your letter you've been wondering why I stopped writing and Sirius never lets you through the floo. Turns out, I this room, I hate my family (Insert scoff) and yeah I'm not in England anymore.

Italy is very nice this time of year.

So after scrubbing the shock from your face ,and stop screaming I guess you want me to answer the other questions.

Yes, I'm fine.

No I don't need you…yet.

I might meet you on Aug 17th to get school stuff; depends on weather I can stomach another year of Hogwarts, after all, getting nearly killed every year is so much fun. Guess I should be lucky I'm not getting killed every year right?

Have good rest of the summer hols,

Harry

Ps. can you send some more food? I've ran out of money so I can't get home even if I wanted too. Oh yeah, Sirius cut of all my accounts, asshole.

Xx

**It's the end of yet another story. What can I say? Ummm WHY DIDN'T ANYONE REVIEW MORE!! I mean, come on some of you did every chapter ( I love you guys!! This is for you) others….nada. **

**Okay also I bet this didn't make sense, good. This is the like a preview for the sequel I might write if enough people show enough interest. So REVIEW PEOPLE PLEASE!! Tell me, okay that you want a sequel. All its has to be is one word. **

**More will be explained a lot of backstory will come about and everything shall be revealed. For those of you thinking "Italy? Huh random!!" Nah its not, just wait and see!!**

**Also, its that time people. Whats better? Faith Bleeds Red or this one?? Its a vote the one with the least votes will be delted. Anyone who wants the original if the majority wants this one can have a copy, I'll email it to you :) **

**Haha..I just nearly wrote my real name!! **

**Me :) aka WishIWasAWitch...Aka...not telling!**


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